I am on-call again for 2 nights in the last 4 days. I sorta' feel disjointed, like I am watching things from above.. surreal , man. Nope, I have not been injecting ketamine, thank you very much. We are, after all, a soon-to-be JCI bloody acrredited hospital. Sniff! Drugs are not as easy to come by!!
By-the-by, I was doing my ICU round when I came upon a newly-wheeled in surgical patient whose BP was in her boots, well, socks rather. Nonchalantly (note to junior doctors, must always be perfecting this nonchalant look in order to hide the shit-what-am-i-gonna-do feeling thats going off like fireworks inside: adopt the look of mild surprise - think James Bond when faced with another girl whose dropped her robes in front of him; then ask inane questions - weather may be a subject to discuss but remember, the objective is to appear cool, not crazy), I asked for the vital stats - Haemoglobin level, fluid balance, you know,the likes, whilst injecting some humour like:
"When you said the patient does not look right, do you mean she looks left?"
" Harharhar" (in a horsy accent, of course)
Anyway, whilst I was trying to remedy the situation, along swaggers in the surgeon (is he drunk, I wondered), reassures all and sunder that a systolic BP of 65 mmHg for an 18 year-old is completely adequate coz a higher pressure would cause more bleeding.
"Ah, bleeding eh? You mean exsanguanating, more like?", I said grimly, pointing to the rapidly filling drain bottle.
"My dear, don't you worry your pretty little head. I am here." he paused and took a stance like Superman for effect.
" Can't you see I am pumping away here?" Elbow,elbow, wink,wink; whilst transfusing rapidly via the syringe system.
O..kay, whatever. I have therefore come to conclusion. Should anyone be at crossroads with regards to choosing a career in surgery, please tick the check list below:
1. You think that the world revolves around you and you are God's greatest creation for mankind.
2. You have made it an art to belittle and humiliate others - just as well, as they cannot possibly live up to the greatness of you.
3. You have a whole treasury of toilet humour which is the envy of all.
4. You have trouble concentrating when anyone with a hint of mammaries (and this includes the hairy, pot-bellied, belching, plumber types) comes into your eye sight.
5. You totally didn't get the communication sessions taught in medical school.. anyway, its a waste of time, isn't it? Those peasants would never understand!
If you ticked 4 out of 5, you should have been arrested, shot and quartered. But lucky for you, the world still needs its surgeons...
p.s. to my lovely surgeons friends and colleagues - I love you guys, really.
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